The other morning I was at the store and I got the same question that I have been asked so many times before. It’s one that I have learned to just become numb to, one that I have learned to just let roll off my back.
When are you going to have more kids?
Only this person didn’t say it like that, she said “OH! Your little girl NEEDS a sibling! When are you going to have more?”
I tried to let it roll off my back, I bit my lip for a minute and then just said – “hopefully soon. I have infertility so it’s just not super easy for us” and left it at that. Generally that’s how the conversation goes, the person apologizes and I reassure them it’s not a big deal.
Well, honestly – it is. It’s a big deal and I know, I know, it’s life, but each time it’s asked it cuts deeper and deeper. I went home and was instantly in a “mood”. You know, the one where you don’t want to talk about it, so your husband is asking what’s wrong and you’re saying nothing, but really you want to scream it out, but instead you just wallow in pity. Then before you know it there’s just this awkwardness, he’s on his phone, you’re snapping at him for literally no reason other than a bad day and you go to bed with a simple kiss and start over in the morning.
Through the years I would say our marriage honestly has gotten stronger because of infertility. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have moments like above, it very much does and more often than not because well – hormones, stress, anger and everything in between. But he’s right there for me and I’m right there for him.
From every negative pregnancy test, to every doctor’s appointment when we were trying for Blake to a year ago after a year of failed fertility medications, yet again, when we sat in the doctor’s office and our doctor said, “Well, the next step is IVF”, we’ve been right next to each other. Hand in hand, crying together, praying together, hoping together, being angry together, every emotion has been felt together.
We’ve had this challenge put in our life that has given us a weird, unique opportunity to grow closer to one another, to be more grateful for the precious miracle baby we do have and the life we live. Because of infertility we have prayed together more times than I can count, we have figuratively and physically leaned on each other in a way that I am not sure we would have had we not had this challenge. I’ve been able to witness him pick me up at my absolute lowest point, when I all I wanted to do was die because “life isn’t supposed to be this hard”.
After years and years of trying for our sweet, now, toddler we sobbed together when I told him I was pregnant. I think the only thing that has topped that excitement was when she was actually born and here in our arms, in our lives. The minute she was placed on my chest we looked into each other’s eyes and I’ve never felt a love so strong in my entire life.
We have had the unique opportunity to find a pure focus in family, in things we love. We have to focus our energy on those things because well, we can’t just sit here and dwell on the fact that well, our family isn’t growing as fast as we had hoped.
We’ve had unique opportunities and yes, I would say we are closer than we have ever been before, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. Oh my gosh, it’s had it’s challenges. That’s an understatement. Hormones have been on high, we’ve been angrier at God than well I ever could’ve imagined which turns into stress on our marriage, we’ve cried together and gotten angry watching other people get pregnant. Then had to remind ourselves that, it’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be frustrated, but just like God has a plan for us, he has one for them and that’s their plan right now. So they deserve love, happiness and support from us. We’ve had moments of pure hate, that honestly got directed at each other but really it was at the situation. We’ve gone to bed frustrated, exhausted and with aching hearts more times than I want to remember and well, nothing about it has been “pretty” but like I said, it’s made us strong.
So now, we sit here, we love our beautiful, miracle little girl that we are so blessed to have, that God blessed us with and we pray and hope for another miracle in our lives, a sibling for her to grow up with, play with and the opportunity to raise beautiful babies in this world. But we stand strong and we stand together because as we’ve learned, there’s no point and honestly, it’s just not realistic, to stand alone. We need each other.