Photo by Kelsie Emm Photography
When my sweet babe was first born I remember feeling all the emotions, literally I felt every single emotion I think humanly possible all at once. Maybe it was the hormones, I’m not sure but it was incredible, it was scary and it was the beginning of three emotions that I would feel forever, in a way that I’d never felt them before. Being a Mom brings out the best in me, the worst in me and the part of me that wants to change all the things, be better, want better, do better. Motherhood is beautiful. From that first day there were three, three emotions that would stay here forever, be a part of me, change me and shape me. I react to them differently every, single, day, but they’re here and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Anxiety. I can’t help but feel completely overwhelmed somedays with anxiety. Juggling this balancing act of Motherhood is rough. It’s rough on my body, my mind and my sanity. I literally can’t remember the last time that I showered, let alone actually put make up on and looked like a decent human being. Most days, I’m holding on by a thread. I’m physically exhausted, the thought of having to wake up at the crack of dawn and get through the day makes me so anxious. I worry about this sweet baby of mine, they grow up so fast. Baby-she’s not even a baby anymore, she’s a toddler. That gives me anxiety. When did I get so old? When in the world did she start talking? Walking? I swear it’s flashing by me. Holy cow, I need to slow down–take each day at a time, breath. How am I supposed to even do that? I have three hundred things to do, when is there possibly time to slow down? She just opened the front door, again. Shoot–as I’m running to grab her before she gets into who knows what and go who knows where, anxiety hits me. It hits me hard. I can literally picture the awful thing that I think is going to happen to her since she can open doors now and is running out into the front yard. Don’t you let your mind go there, it can’t go there, that literally is not even happening, so there’s really no point in imagining it. I feel like a crazy person, I’m literally talking myself down like this all day long. Oh she just ignored the fact that you told her not to do something and then she dumped her juice everywhere? Breathe, take a breath. I literally feel anxiety all day long off and on, about everything. Whether I’m worrying about my once baby, turned toddler growing up way too fast before my eyes or I’m imagining the awful thing that’s going to happen and how I need to keep her safe. That moment when I’m trying to just be on time to one thing, please let me be on time, but those aren’t the shoes she wants to wear. She wants to wear her Minnie slippers and a cape, oh and bring her Kelly baby doll, Elmo, purse, three chapsticks and a necklace, because heaven forbid we leave anything behind. Anxiety eats at me, all day, everyday.
Sadness. The other day I wasted an entire day, running errands, working, rushing us through the door. The husband walked through the door and I immediately went upstairs to work some more. The house was a mess, the dishes piled high in the sink and laundry, don’t even get me started on laundry. I went upstairs, started typing and tears streamed down my face. What am I doing wrong? Why am I always so overwhelmed? Why can’t life just be easier? I wasted all day today, I didn’t get any quality time with my child. I literally dragged her from place to place, constantly saying no, rushing home for her to take a nap and doing all the things that needed to be done (housework, work, errands). I didn’t just take five minutes to be a Mom. That’s Mom guilt, Mom guilt kicks in hard and this awful, awful, sadness washes over you. It’s disgusting, it’s something I’ve felt from day one. I’ll never forget when she was only a couple of weeks old, I couldn’t figure out why she was screaming. I tried everything, well so I thought. I was an hour late in feeding her. My mind was mush, I mean I literally just had a baby and I was exhausted, but I sat there and I beat myself up, in tears for hours. Could I even do this Motherhood thing? I mean, literally how was I going to do this? Sadness comes in waves. Postpartum depression is real and was the worst of it all, but then you feel these little moments of sadness, where you doubt yourself. You feel like you’re not enough, like you’re not doing enough. It’s that emotion that will be here forever. It was there, in your mind before from time to time, but since becoming a Mom it’s on a whole new level. I mean you guys, there are literally days that I can’t remember anything, my mind has disappeared. There are moments when she is being SO sassy that I just can’t and I break down, in tears, asking myself how? How am I going to do this Motherhood thing? How in the world do you reason with a two year old? You know what I’m talking about. Then at night, I lay down in bed and I close my eyes and I physically miss her. I go on a work trip for one night and my heart aches, it literally hurts and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it because I miss that sweet little one of mine so much. Sadness, it’s on a whole new level, a whole other level of crazy.
Happiness. This is that one that you’re like, well duh–yeah, that’s a given, but oh my gosh I can’t even explain it. The happiness that Motherhood brings me is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I literally don’t shower for days on end, I cry daily, I worry, I have bags the size of watermelons under my eyes, I work 80+ hours a week, I literally am one giant HOT MESS because of the happiness that being a Mom brings me. Even if it’s just that 30 seconds of snuggles, right after nap time, it makes it all worth it. It makes that first gray I found yesterday, worth it. It makes the aching I feel when I worry about you feel minuscule compared to the joy you bring to my life. I literally can’t even imagine what my life was before, it’s not even a thought in my mind. The fact that one simple hand hold, one tiny word out of her mouth or just that sweet tiny human voice saying, “Mommy” can conquer any feeling of overwhelm and frustration, is a prime example of what happiness looks like in Motherhood. I literally feel like my world is crumbling around me and I can just look at you and forget it all. That’s happiness.
Being a mom is worth every gray hair, it’s worth every single one of these emotions in all of their forms. It’s worth the ride, the heartache, the “trying to figure it out” game and the balancing act. Three emotions, three levels of crazy, that I wouldn’t change for anything. Three levels of crazy that I would literally do time and time again and do daily if it means that I get to be a Mom. That I get to feel even just five minutes of the happiness that Motherhood brings me.