Last night, as I was lying in bed I looked over at the baby monitor. I saw my sweet girl sleeping peacefully and I had the strongest feeling of peace just come over me. Peace that things would be fine, that things will work out in the way God wants them to.
This week wasn’t my week. Our infertility journey continues on with nothing but bad news, things didn’t work out in something that Marcus is working on and my exhaustion levels are through the roof. On Thursday, the day where 90% of this went down I felt angry. I was frustrated with God, angry with my own body, frustrated for my husband and his own disappointments and our house was just full of this silent, sadness. We both tried to put on a happy face, fight through the tears of worry for the future, frustration of unanswered prayers to grow our family and mental and emotional exhaustion. We snuggled Blake tight, watched her play and didn’t really say much until bedtime. Marcus held me tight that night, while tears streamed down my face and honestly I felt absolutely abandoned by God.
Why? Could you just cut me a break? It’s been years of trial after trial and I’m tired! PLEASE stop, I’m begging you, I need a break.
I fell asleep that night with frustration and anger in my heart. Marcus and Blake were honestly the only two people pushing me through this heartache. I woke up with the same chip on my shoulder and swollen red eyes from crying all night. We pushed through a rough day, Blake sassier than ever, but always snuggling up when I needed it. But then, then it was night time.
I felt peace.
I had taken a bath before laying in bed and had listened to just a short little video from the Mormon Channel. I honestly don’t remember what it even said, but just having it on was nice. It invited the spirit in, that positivity that I needed. Then as I laid down, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. It wasn’t some big grand moment, but I just felt okay. I wasn’t worried, no matter how hard I tried to make myself worry I just couldn’t. I just felt okay.
I think when we get hit with these huge trials, these rough patches in life–we forget that God actually has a plan for us. That every, single, thing we go through is for a reason. Whether it’s to make us stronger or to bring us closer to him, there’s a purpose. I’ll tell you what, these last 4-5 years have been some of the toughest years I’ve faced. However, I can tell you today that my relationship with my Heavenly Father has never been stronger. That even in the toughest of days, when I’m most angry with him, that I still turn to him. I still plead with him in tears, pray to him and ask him for guidance.
The saying, God won’t give you something that you can’t handle, it’s not true. God definitely gives you things that you can’t handle. In fact, I feel like I’ve gone past my breaking point more times than one in my life, but he’s right there with me through every, single, one of them. He pushes me, lifts me when I need it and gives me that feeling of peace when I long for an answer. He gives us these trials because he knows they’ll make us stronger, he knows they’ll bring us home to him one day with honor and they remind us that we can do hard things, that just when we think we’re too weak, we prove ourselves otherwise.
He has a plan for me. He has a plan for all of us. It might not be what we want or what we had planned for ourselves, but it’s his plan and that’s what matters. If I think back to other trials I have faced, I can recognize his plan. I can see the perfect timing of getting pregnant with Blake after years and years of trying and heartache. I can see the huge blessing of a being given a (step) Dad when the person who was supposed to be the Dad in my life bailed. Every single trial, every single heartache has had its reasons. They’ve all proved to be okay. Even the ones that haven’t had happy endings or big blessings, I’ve gotten through them. I sit here and think back to the loved ones I have lost, it’s been quite a few. I’ve lost really close friends and relatives and though the pain was excruciating at the time, I made it through it. And now I live my life to hopefully make them proud.
Every single trial we are given has a reason. It’s hard to realize it at the time, not to mention slim to impossible to have that mindset, but it’s true. God has blessings for us, reasons behind each and every trial, we just have to trust it. We have to turn it over to him and trust in the process. That doesn’t mean we can’t be heartbroken or sad, it just means that ultimately we rely on him, we put it in his hands. He might give us things that we really can’t handle, but he will lift us up and carry us through them.
I feel peace about our situation. It’s hard and painful, but I feel peace and I know God will get us through it.