The other day, after a long day, I sat on the couch, put my feet up on the coffee table and just sat there grumpy. I was so grumpy. I didn’t care why, in fact I didn’t really know why I was still grumpy, BUT I just wanted to be grumpy.
Earlier in the day went a little something like this:
12:15AM // Child wakes up, literally ready to party. Like will NOT go back to sleep.
1:45AM // Finally asleep. I crawl back to bed and fall asleep within seconds.
2:05AM // WAIT for it, jokes on me. She’s up, again, literally 20 minutes later. I nudge the husband and yell “YOU’RE TURN”, then roll over to go back to sleep.
2:05-3:30AM // I’m tossing and turning while listening to her cry, the husband try to get her to sleep and the dogs start to play with their toys.
My mind in that moment: *IT’S 3:30 PEOPLE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?*
4:15AM // Shut the front door right now, she’s up again. How is this kid not tired?! I’m exhausted. Cry, I’m just going to let her cry for a minute, she’ll go back to sleep.
4:20AM // screaming…
4:25AM // screaming….
4:30AM // screaming…
4:35AM // Hold it together Mama, don’t get frustrated, she’s not doing it on purpose. I go into her room, pick her up and bring her back to our bed.
4:35-8:32AM // She sleeps. All. Four. Hours. But did I? Nope, maybe an hour total between the kicks to the face, tossing and turning and worry that she’s going to roll off the bed.
That’s just the morning people, that’s literally before the day even friggin’ started, you know the hours I was supposed to be SLEEPING. We’re not off to a good start. Breakfast, okay, we can handle that. Banana? Nope, she doesn’t want that, I guess she made that clear when she smashed it up in her hands and wiped it all over my white curtains. Great, let’s go the traditional route–cereal. Two minutes later, *splat*, on the floor, the wall and milk tangled in her hair.
It continued on like that, everything was a fight. She didn’t want to sit in her car seat, she showed me her new trick a few times, hitting, oh and nap time? Yeah, that was literally 20 minutes long. I just needed an hour–ONE hour to get some work done, breathe for a minute and collect myself.
There I was though, sitting on the couch, hours later after she has already gone to bed for the night. After Daddy had come home to the rescue and saved my sanity. After I had cried and cried and honestly wanted nothing but to just drop her off with my Mom or a babysitter and go do something by myself all, day, long. I missed her. I legitimately missed her. She was in two rooms over, she had literally given me a run for my money all day long, made me want to pull my hair out and argued with me about just well, everything, and I MISSED HER.
That’s when it hit me. I was so grumpy, but I couldn’t get this love out of my heart. This sadness, this guilt. I had wasted the entire day worrying, getting frustrated and counting the minutes down for Daddy to get home that I had forgotten to actually enjoy the day. I forgot to enjoy being a Mom, to take each minute as it came and to breathe, and now the day was over, I had missed my opportunity. I had missed the chance to just move on from the hard, to laugh at the ridiculous and to look past the frustrating. I missed an entire day of just being a Mom, of spending time with my baby and soaking it all in.
This happens more often than not. I constantly rush through the day. I rush through the hours of work, of being a Mom, of counting down the minutes for the husband to get home and I waste an entire day of moments that could be wonderful.
I take Motherhood for granted.
The thing I forget is that she’s not being grumpy on purpose, well, maybe somedays. BUT, not always. She’s usually frustrated that she can’t communicate, sometimes she just needs extra snuggles and well, sometimes she’s just upset about me not letting her pour a bowl of cereal on the floor. Those moments might suck, but those are MOMENTS, those are moments that one day I’m going to miss. Those are moments that at the end of the day I wish I had just taken the extra couple of minutes to snuggle her, to try and talk with her rather than getting frustrated.
When I was cleaning all day and stressing out about work deadlines I was missing watching her play kitchen. I missed out on her trying to take my heartbeat with her little doctor kit. I rushed it and I flew past that moment. That’s the problem, I am constantly living in fast forward.
The reality is the house will always be a mess, money will probably always be tight, work will always be hectic and my hair will always be unbrushed. She’s not going to be little forever though. She’s not always going to cry and want Mama when she’s hurt. She’s not always going to want to take my heartbeat with her little Doctor stethoscope and these moments, the ones I am constantly taking for granted..they’re not always going to be there.
So in 2017, this is a goal that needs to stick. I have to STOP taking Motherhood for granted. I have to stop working myself so hard that I forget to just be a Mom, I have to be willing to give some of the responsibilities to others and let go of the control freak inside of me and I have to soak it all in. How much happier would I be if I just took the 20 minutes to sit there and play kitchen with her? If I made my emails wait an extra couple of hours? If I did the dishes after she went to bed? That doesn’t mean there won’t be frustrating times, but it does mean that I get to be a Mom and well, that’s the best job of all.