The other night, I broke down. Tears, overwhelm and the struggle to breath. It was terrifying. I’ve had this thought, basically since Blake was born–but really bad the last few weeks–of something happening to her. I had just put her down to bed, fed her and was climbing into my own bed when it hit. I called for Marcus and said,”please, I need you to calm me down”. He asked what was going on and I explained how I was feeling, this worry that I was having. Honestly talking about it wasn’t helping. I just kept telling him, I can’t lose her, almost begging and pleading with God not to take her. Now mind you, she was fine. She was sound asleep, healthy as can be in her crib. But before I knew it I was hyperventilating and experiencing a full blown panic attack. Eventually Marcus calmed me down, we prayed, peace overwhelmed me and I collected myself.
I sat there thinking though, why was I feeling this way? I have always suffered from anxiety. I’ve been off and on medication almost my entire adulthood because of it. I can remember as a child waiting in the front room, worrying and wondering when my parent’s would be home on night’s they went on dates. It’s just in my nature, but as I sat there thinking, it hit me. It’s love. It’s because I love these people so much that I can’t help but worry about their well being, worry about the future and wonder if bad things will happen.
We live in a scary world, which also doesn’t help. It might be wrong of me, but I can’t watch the news, I can’t learn about the scary things because it gives me anxiety. I won’t sleep, I’ll worry and worry and worry until I make myself sick.
Anxiety is terrifying. It’s not something people talk about. In most cases people feel like they have to hide it, shut down and put on a happy face. When really, we’re doing our best to make it through that moment. Most of our minds are constantly going 100 miles per hour, thinking about the future, our loved ones and our surroundings. I write about this because since becoming a Mom it’s only gotten worse. In fact, MANY Moms that I talk to experience worries like this. Whether it’s full blown anxiety or just constant worries, it’s really not fun for anyone. But I share my experience because it’s something that should be talked about. It’s something us as Mothers, as daughters, sisters, even Fathers or sons, should know is okay. It’s okay to worry. Nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with me. If you need medication that’s okay, in fact it makes you strong–so don’t let you or anyone else tell you it’s wrong.
Motherhood especially is scary y’all. You’re in charge of a tiny human life–to teach them, guide them, keep them safe and everything else in between.
That’s not easy!
Quite honestly, I can barely take care of myself somedays. But when you become a Mom, your world changes, your priorities change and your love for someone is stronger than you’ve ever felt before. Your child comes first, always–even if you feel like they’re not, I promise you’re most likely putting them first, even when you don’t realize it. It even goes down to the Three Bears and how Mama Bear’s porridge was cold. We all know why her porridge was cold, don’t we? Because our babies come first, they eat first, they sleep first, they get the things they need first–we would do literally anything for them FIRST. No wonder we’re so anxious all the time. That’s a big responsibility.
It’s overwhelming somedays though. On hard days I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Cry for help, cry for peace and cry for this anxiety and worry to subside for just 2 minutes–that’s all I need, 2 minutes. Your babies know that though. They know when you’re worried, they can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. The other day, I was so overwhelmed, so anxious with worry about our future, finances, work, everything–I was frustrated, on a short fuse and just down in the dumps. Blake knew. She crawled over to me, climbed into my lap and just laid her head on my chest. Tears rolled down my face as I thanked God for this tender moment. It was exactly what I needed, just those couple of minutes of pure joy, pure baby snuggles.
Accept the anxiety, accept the worry and accept the things that are out of your control. If you need help, as for help. If you need to cry, cry–but don’t for a second think something is wrong with you. Don’t for a second think you’re a failure. You’re not and absolutely nothing is wrong with us!
We have the best job in the whole entire world and we GET to worry about a tiny (or adult) human life. We have that privilege, that opportunity–and y’all it’s hard, it’s so hard. It’s overwhelming somedays, but that same little babe that makes you worry, also brings you the biggest joy you’ve ever felt.