Don’t you fret, as I approach my last week of pregnancy I’m starting to freak out more and more. This is something I’ve always wanted, something I’ve dreamt about my entire life–being a Mom. It’s something Marcus and I struggled to obtain for years and now finally it’s here. You would think I would be ready, feel ready and not be so nervous, but holy cow I can’t say that I feel that way at all. In fact I’m totally terrified. The closer we get, the more panic attacks I give myself. Don’t get my wrong, I’m done and so ready to meet this baby girl, psychically at least. It’s the emotional part that I’m struggling with big time.
I’m not necessarily worried about whether or not I’ll be a good Mom. I mean that’s in the back of my head, but it’s not my main concern, I know I can do it. It’ll be a struggle at times, I’m sure, but it’s something that will come and I will develop in. I’m more worried about things like labor, being fully prepared, always being able to provide for her, etc. Those are the things constantly running through my head.
Labor, the entire aspect of the unknown. I don’t care how many videos you watch or classes you take, you’ll never know what it’s truly like until you’ve experienced it. This part absolutely terrifies me. I’m pretty relaxed with the whole process, I don’t mind too much what happens, just as long as she gets here safe. It’s the, where will I be when I go into labor? Will it be fast? Will my water break? How bad will it hurt? Will I have time to grab the things I need? Questions like that. I’m sure it will be fine. Things always have a way of working themselves out, but if only I could get my mind to really understand and grasp that concept. Until then, I’ll just be one giant stress ball.
Being full prepared, HA! I’ve already accepted the fact that, that’s never going to happen. What scares me about this though is just having things in order to bring her home to. Frozen meals prepared, work things scheduled, etc. The wondering of will I be able to handle work with a newborn? Will she be a semi good sleeper? Will I be able to handle it? I think no matter how much I know that I’ll never be fully 100% prepared and no matter how much I accept that, I’ll always be a little worried and stressed about it.
Caring for her, this is a wide variety of worries. From will we always be able to provide financially for her to will I have enough milk to give her. My mind constantly goes to the worst possible scenario. It’s awful, I do this in every aspect of my life. But bring a newborn baby into the mix and things get real. Everyday I find myself asking a new series of questions that have to do with caring for her.
I’m sure all of these things are totally normal or I’m just a crazy person. Honestly, it’s probably a little bit of both. Either way I can’t wait to meet her, to cuddle her and love her, to be a new little family. I’m sure there will be times when all of these worries and things become a reality in our lives, but we will get through them. For now, I’ve just got to tell my mind to calm down, take a deep breath and take one step at a time and let me tell y’all, that’s WAY easier said than done.