I honestly think one of the hardest feelings is not knowing what’s coming next. Whether it’s pertaining your family, your finances, your career, your health, whatever — it’s terrifying and frustrating to not have a crystal ball most days. I mean, I REALLY would not mind a friggin’ crystal ball most days, just let me know what’s up, what’s going to happen tomorrow, next year, in my life. I guess that takes the fun out of it, but honestly when you hit trials and bumps — where’s the fun really?
I was talking with Marcus about this the other day. There’s just so many questions I have, so many things I am trying to figure, have been trying to figure out and it’s kind of like, okay…so am I ever going to find out the answers? Then it kind of hit me, well…as frustrating as it is to not have my own crystal ball sitting next to my bed, where would I be if I hadn’t had to figure things out slowly, piece by piece, through trials, through “lessons learned”? Those “hard” things have literally defined me, since I was a little girl to today. From the moment of trying to figure out where to go to college, to what to do with my life, to wondering how and if we would ever have a baby, to wondering how we would make rent, to every life decision in between. Every, single, moment has shown me that I can stand on my two feet, I can make decisions and yeah, they’re friggin’ hard but I figured those things out, I got through those trials and here I am today.
I think I could ask myself the question of “what’s next” in every second of the day, about everything. What’s next on my to do list? What am I going to eat for lunch? Some are just obviously harder than others. Will tomorrow such, will it be good, will things change? Will I make it through this freaking hard, hard, moment in life? Are things ever going to get better? Gosh, that question I feel like I’ve asked more often than not in my life. Maybe I’m a little bit of a drama queen, probably, but I would just rather things just be easy, aight’?
But then I sit here and I start to think about the really crappy thing that was in my life three years ago about, five years ago, ten, however many…and yeah…they sucked. I remember being pretty distraught over them in the moment, but they don’t seem nearly as big now do they? In fact, let’s just get real for a minute. Remember the boyfriend you had in high school? The one that you were like – yeah, we’re going to be together forever, we’re going to get married, we’re going to live this beautiful life. Then you broke up? Oh then, got back together? Then broke up? You get the gist. Oh…is this just me? Well this is awkward then. Well, that feeling you had, you know when you broke up “the final” time…IT SUCKED. I remember literally balling on my bed, writing in my journal like a crazy person and just being the most dramatic (notice I can say dramatic now). Well, I wasn’t dramatic to myself then, then it really hurt, then it sucked and then, I didn’t know what “was coming next”, how I would “get through it”.
Here I am ladies and gentlemen. Married to a hell of a guy (seriously, he’s a friggin’ champ) and not lookin’ back.
Made it through break up, after break up. 😉 Kidding. But you get the point. I could say the same thing about our infertility journey the first time. You can always ask yourself, “what’s next”, “How am I going to make it through this?” – but in reality, the question should actually be, “What am I going to do once I do make it through this?” because you will, you always have, you always will. It might suck right now, you might be totally clueless on the next steps, on when things are going to be better or how they’re going to get better, but they will. It’ll probably take time, you most likely have a few more days ahead of you with this same “ugly journey” you’re facing, but you’re going to look back and think, DANG, I did that and look, this is what was next and it’s so good. Just give it time and hold on tight because it’s probably going to be a bumpy ride. 😉